Personally, I have trouble slowing down. It might be the crippling anxiety I have experienced the majority of my life, or being raised in a small town that values academic success & constant work. Probably a combination of both. I went all throughout high school getting 4 hours of sleep a night in order to accomplish everything I wanted while staying ahead of the game. I wanted to feel happy, and I thought that success and high levels of involvement would accomplish that need. However, when I entered my first year of college at CU Boulder, I realized that I was no longer the smartest or “most balanced” fish in the pond. I was 1 in 30km & no longer one that could do EVERYTHING while succeeding academically.
Literally the first time I had the chance to slow down was these past few months. Quarantine forced the entire world to go on halt for a few months & I had no choice but to slow down too. It made me anxious that I could no longer be involved in my usual activities, but little did I know the experience would cause great change in myself.
A combination of SSRIs & nothingness forced me to overcome my perfectionism & cope with doing nothing. I can say that I am happy with just sitting by my pool reading & no longer have to grab my backpack wherever I go. My brain is beginning to be comfortable with quietness… which is weird, but refreshing.
These past few weekends I have actually been able to relax. Sit in my yard and watch the sunrise, watch multiple movies in a row without guilt, discuss normally anxiety-triggering things without a drop of sweat, & overall enjoyment of the small things. I can wake up on a Sunday morning without worrying of the week ahead. Instead of of impossible challenges, I look at the day as another step in the right direction.
What really made me realize my mindset change was this past weekend. My boyfriend visited me for a few days & spent the holiday weekend with my family. Usually, even in the presence of him, my mind would be preoccupied with 40820330400 different things, so it would be very hard to stick in the moment. However, after 2 weeks on a SSRI, I was just so content with him even being there. Hiking, making breakfast, driving around, & everything we did was very fun despite it not being out of the ordinary. It is crazy how a few months ago I wasn’t able to concentrate on one thing at a time or even just enjoy without stress.
A Tik Tok has stuck with me over the past month of being home from Colorado emphasizing the importance of “romanticizing life.” I know I won’t find complete happiness until everyday things appear fun & enticing. For now, I am happy with my progress, but I know there is so much more to come.
I literally get excited for my daily iced coffee.